Down the Rabbit Hole
by caspianandsusan4ever
Summary: Susan is devastated after the loss of her family and is spiraling out of control.And then Ben Shirley came into the picture and slowlypulled her out of her depression and devastation.Meanwhile a plan is forming in Aslan's country.Su/OC eventual Suspian AU
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone! so this is very different from what I usually write. very dark and depressing. And now listen up cause this is really important; i refuse to believe that Susan's only interest became nylons and parties and lipsticks and boys. And i refuse to believe she tried to forget Narnia. So, instead, she did the opposite. She never went out and retreated completely into herself, always staying home and never going out. THIS HAS NO CONNECTION TO MY OTHER STORIES WHATSOEVER so don't let it confuse you. Anyway, it is kinda Alternate Universe too. it is going to start out with an OC who is very similiar to Caspian which is the reason Susan resents and loves him at the same time. He slowly is able to pull her out of her depression and help her to see the light again. Meanwhile, the Pevensie's and Caspian are coming up with a plan to save the one they all love. **

**Anyway I hope you all really like it and please tell me what you think.**

**Disclaimer: i do not own the Chronicles of Narnia or the characters and or plots. All credit goes to c.s. Lewis.**

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><p>Peter worked so hard. He spent every hour of every day studying to be a doctor, every minute spent in the hopes of someday saving someone's sister or mother or son from an early death. He had never told anyone but Peter's professor had found it scribbled in one of his notebooks he left in class one day. The professor told Susan it was the most beautiful thing he had ever read though he couldn't quite understand it when he handed her the crumpled paper at the funeral. Susan had broken down into desperate, wailing, heartwrenching sobs as she caught a glimpse of Peter's warm, slanted, regal looping words on the corner of the rumpled paper. He must have scrawled it in his textbook when he was up very late studying to keep himself going and to convince himself that it would all pay off when he saw the look in someone's eyes when they saw a loved one laying there, <em>alive <em>in a hospital bed because of him.

It had taken days for Susan to build up the strength to smooth out the wrinkled paper and read the slanting words. The pain and loss and depression and despair was more than she could ever imagine it was possible to feel. Seeing those small, slanting words had taken everything out of her. She couldn't go on. She couldn't be alive when they were not. It just wasn't fair. How could she, the pathetic, worthless, insignificant coward she was, breath and walk and feel the sun and be alive when they were not. She didn't deserve to live. She didn't deserve to be alone in the world. She didn't deserve this kind of hell. She felt as if death would have been a sweet relief as she read the looping words of her brother, her rock, her best friend.

_Sometimes I feel like I will be crushed under the weight of it all. The Latin, the homework, the lectures the notes, the family. I try so hard to keep it all together, for Mum and Lucy and Edmund but mostly for Susan. I want her to be okay so badly. I want her so badly to feel good and happy again. I wanted to drop out weeks ago and more than once I went down to the registration office to turn in my books and everything but I just couldn't do it. And each time I saw my sister's face. No matter how torn apart and how dead and broken and vile I feel on the inside I had to hold it together for her on the outside. Because all of my suffering and heartbreak and pain is nothing compared to hers. I hadn't been ripped away from someone I loved. I hadn't found my other half and then been told I would never see him again. I have to show her that life goes on and that hers can too. _

_And then I remembered Lucy's cordial. The look on someone's face when the red drops touched their lips and the life came back into them. And I thought to myself 'Wow. My baby sister just saved a life. Someone gets their father or their brother, son, uncle, cousin, boyfriend back. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to live without my family. And I sincerely hope I never have to. And now their family doesn't have to either. And months after we returned, I knew that that was what I was meant to do. I wanted to be the man that saved lives. I wanted to be the one that was proof that miracles could happen. And I had to do this. It was all I had left after losing everything I loved. I may not be a king anymore but I can still make a difference._

She dropped the precious scribble to the ground, her heart breaking and twisting and her tears pouring down her face. It wasn't fair. Why? What did she do wrong? Why was it that Peter, sweet caring wonderful, magnificent Peter died while she survived the horrible accident. He wanted to do something with his life. Something noble and brave and good while she, who had convinced herself she had no future and was only interested in staying home and reading, got to live. No, this wasn't living. Not even close. Surviving a train crash, living with all the memories and the images and the sounds, knowing that those screams were coming from your sister and the bodies being flung from the car were your brothers, was not living. Living hell maybe, but not living.

This was crueler than death. It was life with death. Living with the death of everything you loved one step behind you. Looking at your father's sitting chair or your little brother's chess set and bursting out in tears. No, this wasn't life; this was living death. This was a thousand times worse than wished so desperately it had been her on that train that had died. She would have given anything to have died on that train with her family. To die with them, not survive only to be trapped in this eternal hell.

And she lay on the floor, sobbing her heart out. She wanted to die. She wanted to be with them. She couldn't take this pain. This pain so intense and excruciating that she couldn't even breath. She could literally feel herself being torn apart from the inside out. She could feel the fire inside of her heart, reducing everything inside of her into ashes. That was all that was left of her life. Ashes. Memories of the metal screeching and her brother's arms tight around her. Memories of Edmund's blood splattering her face and seeing Peter's mangled form beside her.

Somehow she managed to drag herself to her brothers' room, the pain as she saw the familiar wallpaper and plain, cheerful walls driving the knife even farther into her heart. She let out an earsplitting wail and clutched the letter to her heart, her own tears smudging the ink on some of her brother's last thoughts. Her brother that had died trying to protect lump in her throat was slowly suffocating her as she pulled herself onto Peter's bed and buried her face deep into his pillow. The cloth was soaked with tears in a moment but she clung to it as if her life depended on it. And it still smelled like him. Peter. Her best friend and her big brother.

Always smiling, forever loving, always helpful Peter. Always there for her brother and sisters. Putting everything he had into being a good brother. So good and strong and pure and sweet and loving and kind. Always there to protect her and listen to her and help her, even when she screamed at him she didn't need it. He tried so hard to help her start living again. Tried to take her to parties and get her to go out again. Even just taking her to library or restaurants. He tried so hard to help her and all she did was push him away. Peter didn't deserve to die.

And Edmund. Her sweet, impish, teasing, over protective, amazing little brother. She missed them all so, so much. Before she would never have even thought it possible to feel so empty. She knew how horrible it sounded but she thought that perhaps she missed him the most. She cried and cried and cried into Peter's pillow, snatching a blanket off of Edmund's bed and enveloping herself in its softness. She clung to it, clinging desperately to the very faint smell of her little brother that still soaked into to the thin blanket. And she had been so horrible, to all of them.

Out of all her memories, her last memory of Edmund was the most painful of anything she could have ever experienced. She had just been sitting at home, by herself again, trying not to let the giant gaping hole in her chest overcome her. She hadn't spoken to anyone other than her family for days. She was terrified she would run into someone who looked similar to Caspian and break down right in the middle of the street. Her whole family, including Eustace and Professor Kirke and Miss Plummer, were all going away just for a few days, to visit Professor Kirke's old house for a few days, as the new owners were going away for a few days and had invited them all to keep house for them.

Lucy had begged Susan to come with them but she just couldn't do it. She couldn't be in that house where it had all started. She just couldn't do it. She wasn't strong enough. She had told her family she would stay here, mind the house. Peter had been furious and she supposed Edmund had too but he hadn't yelled and screamed and ranted at her like Peter had. to. He knew how the thought of going back to that house was unbearable for her. But he tried. Lucy begged and pleaded and Peter had yelled and screamed at but not Edmund. He always seemed to know exactly what to say to her.

"Don't stay here all alone Su. It's really hard to watch you be in so much pain. I'm trying to help you Susan. If you'll let me. All you have done all year is being alone. And I know it hurts and I know it is going to be hard seeing that house but please come with us. Everyone will be there, Miss Plummer, Professor Kirke, Peter, Lucy, me. We can all remember together. We can all hurt together. You don't have to forget Susan. You don't have to-''

"Forget? Is that what you all think I am trying to do?" she said in a small, trembling voice. She shook her head sadly.

"I never forgot Edmund. Maybe I lost faith along the way I'll admit it but I never forgot. I never stopped believing in Narnia Ed. I never stopped remembering Caspian and Tumnus and the beavers and how much it hurt me not to go back. That day at the portal, that was the worst day of my life Edmund! I died that day. At least you got to go back. At least you got to see him again. And I know this sounds horrible but I hate that. I hate that you and Lu got to see him again and I didn't because 'I had learned everything I could from Narnia.' And I hate that I sit her everyday remembering how much it hurt to leave him and how much I still love him while meanwhile he was marrying someone else. And everyday that thought killed has always been there haunting and following me, everyday, and no matter how much I want to I cannot forget all the pain that place caused me" she said, tears pricking her eyes. Edmund just looked at her with his big brown eyes and then took her hand.

"Then come with me! Come with me and we will all remember together. Come with me and we can keep Narnia alive! I know how bad it hurts, but you can't give up Susan. Please, if you ever loved Narnia at all, come with us," he said in a pleading almost desperate voice.

''Edmund I can't I-"

"Yes you can! You have too. You have to keep going Susan. Caspian is gone. I know you loved him and I know its hard to admit it but he isn't coming back. But you will see him again someday Su. Aslan promised. He _promised_ and if you can't have faith in me at least have faith in him. Please. I am begging you. Come with us," her little brother said, his eyes boring holes through her. He looked so young and scared and determined and Susan couldn't say no to him. And so she grabbed her coat and she let Edmund drive her to the train station.

Edmund loved her. Edmund understood her. Edmund helped her. Edmund didn't deserve to die.

Finally they puled up to the station and Edmund hopped out of the car and ran to the other side to open his sister's door for her. She thanked him with a smile and grabbed hold tight of his hand. She was scared. She hadn't seen Peter in weeks. And the last thing he had said to her was that he couldn't make her keep her faith and he was done trying. Her parents thought she had some sort of eating disorder or mental disease or a chronic depression problem. She didn't know what Professor Kirke and Miss Plummer thought of her.

And Eustace. She hadn't seen him since he 'transformed'. Last time she had seen him he had been a snotty, spoiled little brat who didn't know how to keep his mouth shut. But apparently, he was different now. He had seen Caspian. And she had not. He had been to Narnia. And She had not. He was going back. And she was not. He had met Caspian's son. The son he had with another woman.

She remembered when Edmund and Lucy came home from Eustace's house and told her and Peter they had been to Narnia. And she had told Susan that Caspian had a message for her. And Lucy had whispered in Susan's ear that Caspian loved her. Liar.

He told Lucy he loved Susan and yet he married Lilliandel not two months after the voyage was over. He lied. He didn't love her. He didn't care about her. He didn't need her. He didn't miss her.

Not like she loved him. Not like she cared about him. Not like she needed him. Not like she missed him.

And after Eustace had told the four Pevensie's about his visit with Jill Pole, Susan spiraled even deeper into her depression. He _had _gotten married. He had a son. He didn't love her. He was dead. That was what hurt her the most. Made her heart ache and burn and twist. He was dead. Sweet, handsome, kind, generous, tender, caring, strong, courageous, brave Caspian.

Caspian didn't deserve to die.

Susan had cried and sobbed and wailed for days after Eustace's visit. They all had. Lucy would burst into tears at random moments of the day, running up to her room and collapsing on her bed in heart wrenching sobs. Even Peter, who had gotten off on quite the wrong foot with Caspian, had been horribly upset by the news. And Edmund, Edmund took it the worse perhaps except for Susan. He had lost his best friend. His second brother.

They had all cried for days and days, barely speaking to one another, staying in their rooms most of the day. And poor Lucy had been crushed but stil tried to comfort Susan before herself, crawling into her sister's bed late at night, holding her hand on the walk to school, cuddling with her on the couch.

"He really did love you, you know." she whispered to Susan late one night when the two were sleeping. Susan sighed and her eyes welled up with tears.

"He got married two months after he told you that Lu! He found that Lilliandel person and I just vanished. He didn't love me Lu, he never did. He lied to you." she said in a trembling voice, partly trembling with anger.

"That's not possibel Su! You didn't see his face when he asked me about you! He was horribly depressed. He asked me or Ed about you every other day. He was a mess, he just didn't want to show it. But I could see it in his eyes. He loved you so much," she whispered in a soothing voice.

Susan shook her head, sending tears flying through the air and splattering the pillow.

"Su he HAD to get married. You know that! He was king, he needed to give Narnia an heir. That doesn't mean he loved you any less," Lucy said in a barely whisper.

Lucy. Innocent, optimistic, beautiful, sweet, sunshiny little Lucy. The ray of sunshine in the family. Most loved by all. The baby no matter how old she got. Lucy didn't deserve to die.

But she had. They all had. And Susan hadn't; which was a fate crueler than anything she could have imagined. She wanted to die. She had nothing to live for. Peter didn't deserve to die. Edmund didn't deserve to die. Lucy didn't deserve to die. Miss Plummer didn't deserve to die. Professor Kirke didn't deserve to die. Mum didn't deserve to die. Dad didn't deserve to die. Eustace didn't deserve to die.

But Susan, Susan deserved to die. But she hadn't. She was still here, rotting in this hell.

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><p><strong>Well there you go, the depressing prologue. I will probably be updating this chapter less often than TBF so just a head's up. i really hope you like it and please let me know if this is worth continueing. Reviewssuggestions/ comments/constructive criticisms greatly appreciated and welcomed!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everyone! Sorry i am just now adding an authors note, i just wanted to get it posted. So i am warning you this chapter is really really depressing. But i promise it will get better. Soon. This chapter was really hard to write and i hope you all like it!  
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**Disclaimer: i do not own Chronicles of Narnia or any of the characters. Although all other Characters besides the Pevensie's and those in Aslan's country are mine. You will meet them all later...**

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><p>Everything was so bright there. The sun, the light, the ponds, the grass, the air. It was so beautiful it almost hurt to look at it. The beauty tore at your heart and made even the very tips of your fingers ache. The peacefulness, the serenity, the light hearted feeling in the air. It was almost a painful sort of bliss, knowing that you had lived your whole life away from this beautiful place. But everything there was so…perfect. The sun was always warm, the grass always soft, the pool always calm, the breeze always refreshing. But as Lucy stared out over the rolling, never ending grassy hills and sprouting flowers and cloudless sky, she couldn't help but feel the slightest tug of sorrow at the very corner of her heart.<p>

Yes everything here was perfect, that much was true but something was missing. Something irreplaceable. Something she needed desperately but would never see. Something that she couldn't live without.

Her sister.

She was here, in this wonderful, perfect place of relief and happiness and peace and desires fulfilled. But her sister was not. Her sister was laying somewhere under the wheel of a train, barely breathing, struggling for life and replaying the guilty, horrified look in Peter's eyes over and over in her head. But they were all here, Peter, Edmund, Caspian, Miss Plummer, Eustace, Professor Kirke, Orious, Trumpkin, Glenstorm, Reepicheep, Mr. Tumnus, the Beavers. They were all there. But Susan was not.

She was there reuniting with old friends and enjoying Aslan's Country. She was still there, in the wreckage of that horrible crash, her body being crushed and mangled under the weight of the wheel of the train. She was startled at the hand that appeared on her shoulder.

"Lu, we will see her someday. Someday she will face Narnia and start believing again. And then we can all be here, together. Forever," Peter said softly and Lucy tried hard to ignore the tear on her cheek.

"I miss her,"

Edmund's voice spoke up from behind her. "We all do Lucy. But you have to have faith in Aslan. He will bring her back Lucy. We'll see her again….she just has to find herself again," he whispered.

He hated the idea of her all alone, when they were all here enjoying the promise of perpetual bliss. And she was there all alone. Suffering. All alone. With nothing left. A third voice, with a deep, Hispanic accent joined the three grieving siblings.

"We have to save her."

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><p><em>Blood. Every where. Seeping down my neck, pooling by my side. Blood. Pouring out of me. Mymouth, my throat, my legs, my arms, my chest, my hips, my stomach. Blood of others mixing with my own. Salty tears blending with my own dark blood, the smell burning my already on fire nostrils. My eyes are open but they aren't seeing. Oozing blood from a gash on my scalp runs into my eyes but I don't have the strength to close them. The blood burns and itches my blue eyes but I force them open, wondering what I have done to deserve this. The red liquid burns like acid rain, seeming to claw out my pupils but I keep them open. My tears mix in with the thick liquid, straining to wash out the cruel liquid that seems to be spurting out of every part of me. I am going to die. <em>

_The pain is stabbing like a thousands tearing knives. I try and squirm away from the pain but when I try to move my legs, nothing happens. I try again. Nothing happened. My arms. Nothing. My neck. Nothing. My fingers. No such luck. I start to cry. But not for me. No, I couldn't care less what happens to me. A single drop of blood darker than the rest trickles down my cheek and my sob escalates, ripping my heart apart seam by seam. Not my blood. Edmund's. _

_I shudder and writh at the image of his dark hair flashing in the corner of my air, flying through the air like a leaf in river. A wail and scream and cry as my flesh remembers the slap of his blood against my face. Edmund. Edmund doesn't deserve to die. _

_And as the immense weight of the train pushes down on me, I think of him. How he never gave up on me. I try to turn my head but I can't. I try desperately to shift my vision, desperately hoping to catch sight of life. Some little sliver of hope that might mean my family could be alive. I don't deserve to survive. But they do. They are too good to die. They have to live. _

_And then the most haunting image of my twenty years flashes in front of my eyes, swimming in blood. I have seen war. I have seen death. I have been the cause of it. I have seen men's heads fall of their shoulders and I have seen blood burbling out of throats and chests. I have seen mangled faces and shredded limbs. I've seen agony. I've been the cause of agony, as much as I hate admitting that. I have seen things that no one should have to see. But this, this is something that will never leave me. Something that will never stop following me. Something that will never give me rest. _

_Peter never let go of me for one moment. He held onto me the whole time, using his own body to protect me. His arms were like around around me, strong and unbending. Refusing to let go. And that is how it has been my whole life. Peter holding me, protecting me, shielding me with his own self. Doing whatever he can to protect me._

_And then suddenly he was gone and I screamed. I had been holding the edge of my seat so tight my fingers threatened to snap in two. Me holding onto the seat and him onto me. And then his comforting weight was lifted off of me as the train flipped through the air like a paper bag in the wind. A scream and I hear a loud snap and pain explodes through my body. And as I fly through the air, every nerve of my _

_body splitting in half from agony, I saw his face. One last time. I saw his face as he flew away from me. I saw the look in his eyes. And I will never be able to forget that look. Even if I never wake up, the image with be permanently glued behind my eyes. Even when I am laying in my coffin dead with my eyes forever closed, a movie of pure agony will be playing in my head. The shining sun, Edmund grinning as he opens my car door. Peter's smile as he crushed me in his arms and helped me onto the train. Lucy getting up to go to the lou. And the scenery flying before the window like a shooting star. And in an instant I could feel it. We were going to fast. We were going to die. _

_Peter locking his arms around me in a vice like grip. A blood curdling, heart wrenching, brain numbing scream coming from the lou. The incredible fear, stronger than I ever thought possible crashing over me as my mouth moved to form my sister's name. Edmund bolting up from his seat and sprinting faster than I had ever seen anything move in my life. Peter trying to grab the back of his shirt and both of us wailing his name as he moved like lightening towards where Lucy had last skipped off to. Me praying desperately in my head that somehow she would make it. Somehow the small room would save her life._

_And Peter's eyes. His eyes as he hurtled through the air in slow motion, one hand still stretched out towards me. The fear, the panic, the guilt, the desperation, the sorrow, the prayers. I could see it all in his eyes as he floated away from me for the last time. We had a connection that moment. It was like a whole lifetime passes before us. _

_I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I didn't understand you. I love you. This is it. I am going to die. Please be alright. My time is running low now and I'm getting really scared. When you come out of this alive, because I know you will, you just have to, tell Edmund I'm sorry I was so hard on him. Tell lucy not to cry and tell mum I love her. Tell dad I' sorry I let him down. I have to go now but I love you. I'm sorry._

_All I remember was screaming. His name, over and over. My voice raw and scratchy. And as I lay here underneath the wheel of this train, the weight slowly crushing the life out of me, all I can think of is Peter. Amazing isn't it? How all those words can pass in between us in those last few moments before death? Amazing isn't it? They say a picture says a thousand words but that one look spoke a million. I couldn't have seen his face for more than five seconds but it could have been five centuries._

_The weight is pressing down on me and with every crack of my own bone, I start to cry harder. Peter. Edmund. Lucy. They have to be alive. I scream and wail their names, over and over again. And I hear something I don't expect. An answer. I scream their names through the blood gargling in my throat, fighting for every syllable. I hear more shouts and I scream with every milligram of strength left inside me. The footsteps and frantic yelling get closer and closer and I think, just for a second, that's its Peter coming to protect me or Lucy coming to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Or Edmund, by strong little brother, coming to pick up the pieces. _

_But rapid shouts split my eardrums and I can feel dozens of footsteps thundering on the ground towards me. But my heart sinks to the depths of hell. It an older man with spectacles and for a moment I think it the professor but I know better. _

"_This girl is going to die." The voice said. I smiled, blood leaking out of my teeth and down my chin. Right now, nothing would be worse than life. And the kind old man's face turned into shapes and colors as splotches as he tried to talk to me, tried to ask me if I could move anything. "Aslan." I whispered. And then I closed my eyes. I gave up on trying to live._

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><p>It's cold here. It's so cold here. I hear voices and I feel my heart feebly pump blood through my body for the first time in ages. Could it be?<p>

"Her lung is filling with blood. She's lost too much. This girl is going to die."

No. It couldn't be. Life was not that kind.

My eyelids flit open painfully and I blink, shutting out myself to the blinding light. I stared up at the ceiling, the stark white walls, the smell of death. I was in a hospital.

"She's waking up. She waking up what do we do. Honey can you hear me? Can you hear me? Listen sweetheart, can you listen to me?'' I tried to move her neck in nod but she couldn't. And that scared me. My eyes stung and itched and burned as I struggled to look at the several doctors scuttling around me, shoving tubes and needles into me left and right as if I couldn't feel it. The doctor seemed to smile in relief.

"Okay good you can hear me. Okay sweetie you've been in a terrible accident and you've just come out of surgery. We are just giving you some shots and trying to stop the bleeding. This shot is going to make you sleep honey alright? We gave you a shot to numb your whole body so that's why you can't feel anything. it doesn't look too good but we're going to do everything we can alright?"

I stared numbly at the wall in front of her, my whole body shaking violently as the memories tore through her brain. The screech of metal, the screams, the bodies being tossed through the air, Peter's face…

I started to cry. Low, gulping deep sobs from the very depth of my heart.

And then it was like my brain started working again.I tried to look up at the doctor who was shoving a tube onto my numb throat. "Where's my family?" i struggled to say, each word quiet and slow. Somehow I think just by that last gleam in Peter's eyes that I already knew the answer. But I refused to think that way. I refused to accept that.

The doctor looked right at mr but said nothing. He looked RIGHT AT ME and didn't settle my agony.

"Why are you in here? Go help them they need you more than I do." Icroaked, every syllable sending waves of pain through me. The doctor looked at me sadly but didn't say anything.

"Did you hear me? Don't worry about me go help them! They need you go help them! Don't just stand there go save my brother. And my sister and my mother they need you! Go help them!" I wailed at the doctor. I was starting to get angry. There is nothing, _nothing _more important to me than my family. And this man is just standing there, staring at me. Doesn't he get it? My family needs him.

"Why are you still here go help them! Do you hear me help them! I don't give a damn about me, let me die I don't care just save my family! Why won't you look at me? Say something!" I screamed, tears running down my cheeks and newly implanted oxygen tubes.

"Look at me! Go help them. Go save them. Do something! They don't have time go help them!'"Istruggled to screech through her tears-and something else-that seemed to be caught in my throat. I taste I knew all too well. Blood.

The doctors all looked around at each other sadly, their hands and smocks splattered with my blood. The oldest doctor took my hand in hers, tears sliding down her mask. I saw her tears and it scared me. It scared me. When you know you yourself are inches from death and your family is probably worse off than you are, the one who is supposed to be saving your life in tears sends an iron nail through your heart. Its a feeling no one should ever have to deal with. And as soon as she opened her mouth I closed my eyes and I knew what was coming. And I heard screaming, wailing, horrified screaming that made my blood dry up. Louder and louder and louder until it was scaring me. I just wanted that horrible sound to stop but it kept wailing and sobbing and dying.

But later the nurse told me no one had been screaming but I would know that sound anywhere. It was the sound my heart made as the nurse opened her mouth and whispered the deplorable word.

"I am so sorry honey. You were the only survivor."

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><p><strong>Review review review!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Yay two updates in one day! I actually wrote this chapter before chapter two so i hope yall like it. In this chapter we are going to finally meet Ben Shirley! Yay. so ben is supposed to be like a mirror image of Caspian so just imagine him like a British Caspian. I really really hope you all will like him and he is going to be a MAJOR character in this story so i hope you all like it and let me know what you think!**

**I don't own narnia yada yada yada**

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><p>Ben Shirley was twenty three. The sweetest, kindest hearted twenty three year old you could possbily imagine. Mr. Benjamin Jonathan Shirley was the type of man who had taken home dozens of stray animals and would be the first to lend a helping hand, even to one who had been horribly nasty to him. Ben felt everything so deeply, especially the pain of others. He himself had never had any great traumas in his life, unless you count dropping a lollipop in a public toilet (which is quite the tragedy when you are six) so perhaps that was the reason for his intense sympathy. His parents were good, honest people who had brought him up to always do the right thing and he had two sisters, Mary and Catherine, who were quite a bit older than him. Any one who knew Ben would say he was the sort who would lose sleep over seeing a little girl crying in a supermarket or a dead animal in the middle of a busy street. And so naturally, when he read about a devastating train crash killing dozens of people, he was devastated. No one he knew himself had been on the train but he felt horrible inside the whold three minutes it took him and his cousin Marcus to reach the hospital.<p>

Apparently Peter's best friend Peter and his family had been on that train. Marcus had been nearly mad with worry and on the verge of hysteria and Ben had had to make him pull over so that Ben himself could drive, as not to share the passengers fate. They had arrived at the Finchely Hospital merely an hour after an ambulance carrying all the bodies had dashed into the hospital parking lot. Marcus had been absolutely crushed to the point of tears when the receptionist informed the two young men that there had only been one survivor found on the train and it was not looking good at all for her.

Apparently the young girl had been all but dragged from beneath the wheel of the train; it was a miracle she hadn't died within seconds. She had been breathing but just barely, according to the receptionist. With trembling words, Marcus had asked the receptionist to describe the young lady as best as she could. Marcus had let out an anguished cry and turned so pale Ben immediately felt uneasy for his dear cousin.

"That's his sister. Peter's. That's Susan, gods I haven't seen her since she was about fifteen. Poor kid I hope she's alright" he whispered and Ben patted him on the shoulder. "They are doing surgery right now but if you wish, you are more than welcome to wait. She must be a very strong lass to have survived a crash like that, poor dear," she leaned in close to the two boys. "Word has it her whole family was on that train."

* * *

><p>Ben hated hospitals. Fortunately, he or a family member had never had to visit one but he could stand them. It was so cold in there, like a grave. And all he heard in that waiting room was people crying. People DIED in that place. Everyday. Thousands of people. Thousands of people suffered in that place. But thousands survived that place.<p>

Hospitals are a strange sort of place, children are born there and children die there. Old men read to their cancerous wives there and the kind old women survive, only to have their husbands taken in weeks later and dying of the same disease days later. People went there to meet new born sisters and neices and cousins, and sometimes came back to visit the same loved one years later, only then it is for the last time.

He shuddered and put an arm around his cousin, who was trying too hard to not sob hysterically for the loss of one of his best friends. "He was such a great guy Ben. You would have loved him," he whispered in a shaky voice and Ben's heart ached.

The two were waiting very very nervously for a blood transfusion to go through. Apparently, Ben and Susan had the same blood type so sweet Ben had been more than enthusiastic to donate his blood, though it hadn't been nearly enough. Miraculously, Marcus had O blood type and had been more than willing to give up the necessary amount of blood for his best friends sister. This had to work. It just had to. The two young men all jumped when a very small, beady eyed sharp woman rounded the corner and stopped in front of them. "The transfusion is complete. So far it has been successful. If one of you would like to go see her now." she said briskly and Marcus nudged Ben. No way was he ready to see his best friends sister yet. No way.

* * *

><p>"I don't want to see you," she said in a trembling voice, turning her head to wall so Ben could see the tears leaking out of the corner of her beautiful blue eyes, pooling on her stiff pillow. Her eyes. The saddest thing he had ever seen. A mask of pure, unrefined agony. Ben could not even begin to imagine what she was going through. Surviving a train crash that killed everyone you loved…he really couldn't think of anything more unbearable. He felt a lump in his throat just looking at this devastated, empty, agonized shell of a person. Every inch of her body reflected just how great her loss was.<p>

Ben paused in the doorway, shuffling uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"Um, I- I'm Ben. Ben Shirley," he stammered nervously. His heart went out to her as another tear leaked out of her beautiful eyes. Even as broken and bruises and cut apart she was, she was easily the most beautiful girl Ben had ever seen hands down. It was all Ben could do to keep from staring. She was...enchantingly beautiful and surely had plenty of men after her.

And then he made possibly the biggest mistake of his life. "My cousin knew your brother," he said nervously and regretted it immediately when an enormous sob escaped from her chest and massive tears leaked out of her cerulean eyes. Her shoulders were shaking violently and she was gasping and choking, tears pouring out of her gorgeous eyes. He had never seen such agony up close. And it scared him. It scared kind hearted Ben that someone who seemed so…sweet and kind and gentle could experience so much pain.

How could he have said something like that to her? How could he be so insensitive? How heartless and cruel was he. And as strange as it sounded, he had never wanted to reach out and hold someone. She awakened this almost..._instinct _to want to protect her and make her pain go away. And so he stood by the door, like a complete moron, watching this young girl who had nothing left sob uncontrollably. He couldn't stand it, couldn't stand to see her cry but what could he do? What could he possibly say to make her feel better, he who had lost nothing to her, who had lost everything in the blink of an eye.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that," he said awkwardly and she cried even harder, whispering her family's names to herself over and over again.

Finally, her sobbing became quieter and the tears stopped falling so quickly down her cheeks. She stared out the window, tears still gleaming in her eyes.

"Why? _Why_ did you do that? Why did you give me your blood?" she said in a whisper, her voice growing edgy and hard.

He was surprised at the question and was completely taken aback. Why _did _he give her his blood?

Ben didn't even know! He had been with his cousin when he heard the news and the two had rushed to the hospital as fast as the speed limit would allow. Ben hated hospitals. They were so…cold and impersonal, truly a hall of suffering. And he and his cousin sat in there in those horribly scratchy chairs in the waiting room, both horribly nervous. Ben didn't even _know _this girl and already he felt like his day would be noticeably duller if something happened to her. She had to be okay, she just had to be alright. And so when the nurse holding the clipboard came into the waiting room, she stopped in front of Ben and Marcus, tears brimming in the corner of her gray eyes.

''Pardon me, are you here to see miss Pevensie?" she said in a very quiet voice, Ben thinking she sounded much like a mouse would, shy and quiet and nervous. Marcus immediately stood up, concern for his friend's sister shining in his eyes.

"Do you think she is going to make it?" he asked and if Ben heard a slight tremor in his voice he pretended not to notice.

The nurse's small face twisted with remorse.

"I really don't know dear. She was barely alive when he found her, half crushed under the wheel of the train. It truly is a miracle she didn't die instantly; some sort of divine intervention I suppose. Nearly all of her ribs are broken and we believe one of them may have punctured her lung. We have put her on oxygen and have done all we can for her but she has lost so much blood from a piece of medal that punctured her leg that if we do not find a donor quick enough, we will not be able to do anything for her, the poor dear. And such a pretty young thing too…" the nurse trailed off, shaking her head.

Ben stood up slowly beside his numb cousin. "How long do you think it will take to find a donor?" he asked bluntly and the nurse clucked her tongue.

"We have already been trying dear but her blood type is…rare,"

"What is it?"

"AB negative."

Ben jumped up so quickly he almost cost his cousin his front tooth. His heart was beating eratically and a small glimmer of hope bloomed in his chest.

"That's me! That's what I am! I can give her blood! I can give her blood!" he said in almost a state of euphoria. And he didn't even know this girl!

The nurses eyes lit up and then dimmed almost instantly. She shook her head.

"I am afraid she has lost too much blood for you to donate. She needs two pints. Taking that much would put you in danger and we have no other donors at the time." she said quietly.

"I'm O. I could give her the rest," Marcus offered hopefully. He couldn't think of any better way to pay his respects to his late friend than by saving his sister.

The nurse looked dubious. "I don't know boys. That could be very very risky. Her body may not be able to cope with that, poor thing. Such a sweetheart too,"

"Please. Her brother was my best friend. I have to help her. Please," Marcus whispered, his green eyes huge and pleading.

The nurse looked at him long and hard, the doubt showing clear as day in her eyes. She sighed.

"Follow me."

"DID YOU HEAR ME? Why? Why would you _do_ that?" she screamed through her tears. Ben jumped, slightly startled. She still wouldn't look at him.

"I-well...Your brother was my cousin's best friend and when I found out we had the same blood type, well, how could I not help? How could I not volunteer my blood to save his sister?" he said as gently as he could manage.

Susan squeezed her eyes shut, more tears sliding out of the flat blue holes she used to call eyes.

''I would have died." she whispered almost so quietly Ben wasn't even sure she had said it.

"Pardon?"

"I would have died! I WOULD HAVE DIED IF YOU HADN'T DONE THAT! I would have been with my family, I would be with them right now and you took me away from them! God, I was so close to being with them I could _feel_ them next to me. Why? Why did you take that away from me Ben Shirley! What did I do to you? Why couldn't you have just let them take me out of my misery? _Why _did you do this to me Ben Shirley? I WAS SO CLOSE AND YOU BROUGHT ME BACK TO THIS HELL! I was so close, I was so close I could _see _them Ben, I could _see them._And you brought me back to this living hell where I am all alone and everything I love is gone! Why would you do that to me? Why couldn't you just let me die in peace!" she screamed hysterically at him, tears pouring down into her cuts and across her oxygen tubes.

Ben wasn't sure what was frightening him more, how angry she was or how hysterically she was crying. He was stunned. If he had been a very different sort of person he would have been furious. _Oh, I'm sorry for saving your life! _He thought bitterly. But she definitely had a point. If he had just lost his entire family and everyone he loved, he would want to die too. Nevertheless, sweet Ben Shirley was stunned into numbness. He had not anticipated this reaction at all...

But what came next was something no one could have ever been prepared for. She looked up at him with a mixture of frustration, anger and overwhelming sadness and she froze. Her whole body just seemed to shut down. Her brain went blank and she was starting to feel lightheaded. Those eyes.

Those beautiful brown eyes had haunted her dreams for years now. That face, that hair, that body, had tormented her ruthlessly since she was seventeen. It was Caspian. It had to be. There was no other way to explain it. He looked just like him. Just like him. Her logic side didn't even stop her. Caspian was dead. Caspian was in another world. This couldn't be Caspian. But it had to be. He looked just like him. Same eyes, same caring expression, same winning smile, same everything. It was Caspian, it had to be. It just had to be. There was no other explanation.

If Ben thought she was crying hysterically now, he had another thing coming to him. Her face became ghostly pale and he could almost feel the blood congeal in her veins. He was sure she wasn't breathing either.

"Caspian?" she whispered in a trembling, quaking, hoarse, horrible dead voice. Her entire body was trembling violently and she struggled to sit up in her hard bed, despite the various tubes and needles stuck through her.

Perhaps a hint of a smile appeared on her face. "Caspian. Caspian, Caspian my love. Why are you here? How are you here-oh never mind you are here. Caspian, you're here! Oh my god, oh my god I missed you. I missed you so so much. And I love you, I love you so much," she said in a most desperate voice, a different sort of tears pouring down her face. She was looking at him so hopefully and with so much joy and relief it almost hurt to look at her.

"Sorry? Who's Caspian?" Ben said slowly in very confused voice. The smile fell from her face and was replaced with what can only be called utter desperation.

"Caspian, it's me. It's Susan. I-I loved you once, Caspian please its me. Susan, Susan Pevensie" she said in a very small voice, her heart crumbling utterly at the utter confusion on his face. NO, this couldn't be happening. He had to remember, he had to remember her.

"Oh God Caspian please. Remember! Please, please you have to remember me! We-I- we were friends Caspian, we were friends but we could have been so much more than that. Oh Aslan please you cannot tell me you don't remember me! PLEASE, PLEASE remember. Oh gods its Susan, its Susan you cannot tell me you don't know who I am!" she wailed hysterically, her voice getting higher and higher and her sobs getting louder and louder. She was gripping the railing of the bed so tight she felt weak. The desperation in her voice was tearing Ben apart.

"I'm-sorry, I'm so sorry I don't know what you are talking about. I'm so sorry," he whispered, his own voice wobbling. He couldn't stand to see her in so much anguish. It was sick.

She let out a strangled cry in the back of her throat and clutched her chest as if she were trying to keep her heart from exploding. Suddenly she looked up at the ceiling, swooning from the blood rushing to her head.

"Why are you doing this to me Aslan? WHAT did I do! Please, please just tell me what I did wrong. Are you mocking me? Is that it? Are you mocking my suffering, sending a Caspian who does not remember me? Taking away everyone I love but letting me live?Is this my punishment for falling in love?" she yelled at the sky and Ben started backing away towards the door.

This girl was insane. Somehow he felt guilty for not knowing her just by how desperate and hysterical and upset she was. He had to get out of there. She noticed him backing towards the door and sheer terror and panic flashed across her face. She reached out a hand weakly in his direction. He stiffened, one hand on the door knob.

"Don't leave me here Caspian! Oh Aslan please let him remember me! You can't leave me here in this hell hole Caspian! Peter is gone Edmund is gone Lucy is gone Mum and Dad are gone, Miss Plummer and Mr. Kirke are gone Eustace is gone you are all I have left! And please don't take that away from you have to remember!You told my sister you loved me and then you got married two months later. You broke my heart but _please_ remember. "

He gulped painfully."I'm, I'm sorry, really I am. So sorry, I'm not Caspian, whoever that is. I have never even heard that name. I'm sorry. You must be confusing me with someone else. I think I better leave.."

"You can't! I need you Caspian. I don't have anything left and I can't lose you all over again. Look at me, really look at me! You cannot tell me you do not know who I am! Please I am begging you, remember. Sweet Aslan its me! Oh Caspian please don't go, don't leave me in this terrible place. I have nothing else. Please, just try. You remember, I know you do. We-we came to help you-with Miraz and-and you and Edmund, you were best friends and I kissed you and I shouldn't have but I had to and-oh Aslan please remember me! You have no idea how much I have missed you1 I need you, please please don't _leave!" _she wailed and Ben started to panic as his eye caught something coming out of her mouth that were most definetly not words..

Blood. Everywhere. Blood. Gushing. Dripping down the railing of the bed and splattering on the floor. Blood. Pouring out of her. His blood. Her blood. Marcus's blood. Pouring out of her. Like a fountain. Blood. Dribbling down her chin and onto the front of her hospital gown. And she didn't even seem to notice, just kept on crying and crying and crying. Ben screamed and his legs turned to jelly. The last of his remaining wits forced the door open and he stumbled into the hallway, with the lights too bright and the air too cold, the smell of death too powerful.

"HELP! I-she- I-she-I need a doctor!Somebody get a doctor!" he screamed wildly like a possessed man and four nurses immediately whipped past him, shoving him out of the way and charging into Susan's room, talking very quickly to one another. And Ben Shirley watched, horrified as the nurse gently pushed a barely conscious Susan back down onto the bed, whispering firmly but softly to her.

"Honey, sweetheart stay with me okay? You seemed to have dislodged some of your tubes but we are going to fix it alright? Just stay awake honey, just look at my eyes, look right at my eyes and don't look away. You have to stay awake dear. Just look at me, right at me honey," the nurse repeating, staunching the bleeding by shoving a towel in Susan mouth. Her lungs were filling with blood.

Susan looked straight at Ben Shirley, refusing to look away. Her eyes filled with the most desperate of pleading. A look that would haunt Ben Shirley until his dying day. He tried to stammer one last apology to her and without another word, stumbled back down the hallway where Marcus was sitting nervously in a ratty old chair in the waiting room, fiddling with the ties of his shoes. He smiled and then frowned when he saw Ben.

"Hey how's she doing? Are you alright man, you look like you just saw a ghost," Marucs paled. "Oh God is she dead?

"Actually, I think it was the other way around. I think she's the one who 's seen a ghost."


	4. Chapter 4

Ben hadn't seen her in almost three months. But still the image of blood spurting out of her mouth played like a broken record in his head every day. He hadn't had a single dream in three months that she hadn't been in. He swore he could almost feel her behind him sometimes, burning holes into him with her eyes. Those were perhaps what haunted him the most. She had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen but the amount of agony and pain and suffering and…utter _anguish_ in them_, _it was just unfathomable. Her eyes had once been vibrant and twinkling and full of life he was sure, but the dullness and misery in them almost made him want to cry. And that scared him.

It scared him that it was possible for someone to feel so much pain. All the needles and tubes and stitches poking out of her bruised flesh scared him even more. Looking at her was almost painful; it was like looking at a breathing corpse. But yet her beauty still captivated him. He had only met her for not even ten minutes and yet he felt very strongly attached to her. No one deserved the pain she was in. And he wanted to be the one to help her. He wanted her to trust him.

And no matter how hard he tried to convince himself, he couldn't help but feel just a little guilty for not knowing who she was. Obviously she had mistaken him for someone else she apparently hadn't seen in a while and this Caspian person had nothing to do with him but the desperation and frantic look in her eyes and how she pleaded and begged and screamed at him to remember her still made him feel so uneasy. But no, he hadn't met her before. He would have remembered that beautiful face.

He would have remembered her beautiful long dark eyelashes and her gorgeously stunningly hair. HE would have remembered the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Just thinking of their brief meeting sucked the air out of his lungs. He had felt so frantic and guilty and wild and unleashed he had had to just get out of that place. And she just watched him walk right out the door, blood squirting out of her mouth and blocking her throat. Marcus had been to see her once since then but Ben refused to go with him.

He still remembered the day his cousin walked into his living room, his face pale and his eyes swollen, as if he had been crying a great deal. His lips were a thin straight line and he was stiff as a board.

'How is she?" Ben asked in a strange voice. He knew nothing about this girl but he felt as if part of him would die if she did. Marcus had just shook his head numbly and slouched onto the couch, dropping his head into his hands.

"I honestly have no idea how she is still alive. She's in really bad shape. I guess she's being moved to a rehab center as soon as the lung transplant has gone over."

"L-lung transplant?" Ben stuttered, feeling a piece of his heart breaking away. Marcus shook his head and let out a demented laugh.

"She tried…Tried to kill herself so many times they had to have a nurse stay in her room all night. She kept trying to…to yank out her feeding tubes and I guess she figured out if she bit her tongue hard enough….." Marcus trailed off into soft sobs, covering his face in his hands. Ben's brain went numb for several long moments, the word suicide ringing in his eyes, blasting through his brain. Marcus's broad shoulders shook several times before he began to continue, as if every word was being yanked out of him by needles.

"One of her broken ribs…it-it punctured her lung and then the weight of the wheels just…drove it in there. And if she moves on her own, basically at all, she'll start gushing blood. I guess they found another smaller puncture in it a few days ago and there is a hole in her esophagus. She can't eat anything, even water. That's why she kept pulling at the feeding tubes and if she doesn't stop…"

"Please, stop it. I can't take it stop." Ben breathed in barely a whisper, his own tears coming. He looked down at his own body, perfectly healthy, not a scratch, and he felt sick.

Ben grabbed his coat. "I'm going to go see her."

"No you can't. Please don't go see her Ben, it's not fair to her. The whole time I was there she kept asking about you. Asking about you like her life depended on you. And she wouldn't stop. She was _convinced_ that you were some old boyfriend of hers or something. From what I could gather he was a real jerk, told Lucy he loved Susan and then married someone else two months later. He really put her through something. What was the name?"

"Caspian."

Recognition donned on his glum face. "That's the one. She kept saying that you would come for her or something. Don't go over there again. She can't handle it. She's getting a lung transplant on Friday and the chances are one to a million that she is going to make it. She told me she hoped she wouldn't and if she did to come see her in rehab." He said with a tremor in his voice.

But that had been a month after accident. Marcus felt horrible everyday but eventually he couldn't stand to see her like that anymore. It just hurt too much and he couldn't stand to just sit beside her and witness her agony and misery. It was like reliving Peter's death all over again, as strange as it sounded.

But that was almost two months ago. And Ben wanted to see her desperate but he knew how hard it was for her to see him for whatever reason right after the accident and he didn't ever want to feel that guilt and fear and panic again.

He groaned and got up from the couch when he heard a knock on the door and stood and stretched, taking his time to open the door. He smiled when he saw his friend Jason standing in the doorway. No, they weren't friends, they were brothers.

"Jason, what are you doing here? I thought we were supposed to go to the cinemas tomorrow?" he said groggily and Jason smiled weakly.

"Well the girls invited me to lunch, some sort of big celebration, and Hayley told me to bring you along. I think they had someone they wanted you to meet." He said with a grin and Ben groaned.

"Do I have to? I really don't want to go on a blind date right now," he moaned and Jason started leading him to the car.

"Oh come on its not a blind date. It's just some sort of celebratory lunch or something. C'mon man, all Dona's friends are going to be there,''

Ten minutes later they arrived at a cozy little diner downtown and Jason dragged Ben out of the car. Apparently none of Jason's girlfriend's friends were there yet so the two guys got a big booth and waited. Twenty minutes later Ben was done waiting and grabbed the keys and got up to leave when Donna finally walked in the door and spotted him right away.

"Ben hi! I'm so glad you could come I haven't seen you forever," the pretty red head said, hugging Ben. "Well I was just coming in to get a table but I gotta go help get the party girl out of the car. Be back in a sec!"

Ben smiled and then paused. What did she mean 'help get the party girl out of the car?' He shook his head and headed back to the table where Jason was waiting.

''Donna please. I really really don't want to go out today. Please just take me home. I've only been home for an hour just please take me home.'' Susan moaned in a weak voice as she struggled to lift herself out of her friend's car. Four girls instantly rushed to help her. Every move hurt her so badly. She had gotten her lung transplant almost two months ago and rehab had torn her apart. She couldn't stand it, just laying there forced to stare down at all the tubes and stitches sticking out of her. She hated that she couldn't see the sky. She hated that she couldn't look out the window or hear the birds singing.

She hated seeing gurneys with sheet covered bodies rolling past her door every other day. But every time she saw a flash of that cold dead body hastily being moved out of the rehab center, a wave of envy so strong her throat burned would crash over her. What she wouldn't give to be dead. She hated it; being alive.

But what she hated most was herself. She hated seeing her oxygen tank in the corner and knowing that it was pumping the air through her body. She hated seeing the liquid running through the tubes, sending nutrients through her. She hated that she was alive and they were not. She hated that Peter had died for her. She hated that out of thirty passengers, she was the one chosen to survive. She hated that her siblings and parents and friends; everyone she loved; was gone and she was not. And each day those bloody tubes and needles mocked her. They were so close but she didn't have strength any longer to reach them. She wanted them out of her. She prayed for days that one of them would mysteriously tear in the middle of the night or somehow the machine would magically unplug itself. But no, here she was in a car, getting out and going to some stupid restraint to celebrate. Celebrate what?

Her misery? Her pain? Her failing at suicide? What could there possible be to celebrate in her life, she had asked her friends many times on the drive over here.

None of them ever answered her, just stared down at their shoes and changed the subject. All she wanted to do was go home and lay in Peter's bed and cry. She smiled at the idea of not having all of those bloody nurses hanging around her all the time. Now she could finally just wallow in her depression without any witnesses. You would think that after crying for hours on end for three months straight, she couldn't possibly cry any longer. But all it would take would be seeing the older gentlemen in the room across the hall playing chess with his golden haired grandson and fresh tears would always find a way to slide down her cheeks.

"Oh come on Su, cheer up. You're finally out of the hospital, you should be happy!" Shannon said in an overly excited voice. Susan turned to look at her friend, whose smile immediately vanished.

"Did you really just say that to my face. 'Cheer up'. I'm sorry but in case you haven't noticed I have no job and no money and no school to go to and no family and you're telling me to cheer up. I'm sorry but my life is turning into a living hell so I'm sorry I am not too enthusiastic to slump into this place and just sit there thinking about how my siblings and I always came here every Thursday and watching everyone else eat when I can't even though I haven't eaten for months? Sorry to be Mrs. Raincloud here! I'm sorry I have nothing to be happy about." Susan snapped a little sharper than she meant.

Shannon blushed a bit and mumbled an apology and circled to the trunk of Dona's car to get Susan's wheelchair. The thing Susan hated the most.

Finally, they managed to get Susan in the wheelchair and then made their way into the diner, chatting awkwardly. Susan glared at the wheels of her wheelchair so hard her head started to hurt.

Ben glanced up when the bell above the restaurant door rang and he froze. He blinked and shook his head a few times but it wasn't a dream. She was really right there, in a wheelchair. A massive smile spread across his face when her blue eyes landed on his. The second her eyes widened and she opened her mouth in a wordless cry the smile slid off his face and pooled around his shoes. His heart started to sink just a little when she closed her eyes and a single tear trickled out of the corner of her eye.

She kept her eyes closed for several seconds, trying desperately to tell herself that she would open her eyes and Caspian would not be standing right in front of her. No, he wasn't Caspian. Caspian wouldn't have left her to rot in that hospital bed. But then again, Caspian didn't love her. Caspian didn't care for her. Not like she cared for him. Caspian married a star's daughter. Caspian had a son with her. The second he saw a pretty woman, she dropped right of his mind. Caspian didn't love her. What was Susan Pevensie, compared to the mother of his son? He traded her in for something better. But still, Caspian would not have let her rot in rehab. Would he?

"Susan, this is Ben Shirley. He's a friend of Jason's."

Susan opened her eyes slowly, painfully, and stared at the clock above Ben's head. Five-twenty seven. The exact moment her soul shattered. The exact moment she left any remaining will to go on. The exact moment her entire life finally crashed and burned.

Ben was speechless. He felt like he had swallowed hot coals. The butterflies in his stomach were trying to escape through his mouth and his palms were sweating. Uh oh, he could feel it. Here comes the idiotic rambling..

"Susan its-its great to see you again." He choked out dumbly. Dona and Shannon both drew their brows together and pointing from Ben to Susan disbelievingly. "Did you say again? You two know eachother?"

To Ben's surprise, Susan answered first, her voice strangled and weak, as if trying to hold herself together using only her voice. Her hands were shaking and she was gripping the arm of the wheelchair so tightly her whole arm was turning white.

"Yes. He's the one who donated blood to me the day of the- the-the day it happened." She replied coldly, swallowing several times to keep her hysterical tears at bay.

Shannon patted her shoulder with a sad smile but Susan kept her eyes fixed on Ben, trying desperately to plead him to remember her. Her eyes turned bitter and angry an instant later and when she looked away, Ben could see how tightly her jaw was clenched. No, this wasn't Caspian. Caspian may have been a dirty rotten liar who forgot about her in a Narnian moment but that doesn't mean he would have just left her in her own personal hell. He was better than that. But Ben was not. And even though Caspian had lied and married someone else and had a son and forgotten all about her and lead her to believe he was in love with her, that didn't mean she had stopped loving him. She loved him everyday. She was all she had left to love and even he was dead. But that didn't mean that she didn't love him with every fiber of her being every moment of the day. That didn't mean she didn't think about him every hour. That didn't mean she hadn't wanted to hold his hand in the emergency room when they were putting someone else's lung inside of her.

Just because he had broken her heart more than once didn't mean that she would ever stop loving him. And so when she looked at Ben and saw _his _face right there in front of her, the pain and agony that tore through her heart was perhaps almost as painful as the feeling when she looked at a picture of her family or walked into that stupid empty house. She physically felt like someone was shoving a poisoned knife through her heart and then putting a match to it every time she dared look at him.

And that didn't mean that she didn't feel this overwhelming wrath and frustration and incredible anger every time she looked at Ben. He had hurt her so badly and he didn't even care. But that didn't mean she didn't want to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him forever either. And when she heard that remarkable similar voice again she couldn't help but wonder how it is possible to want to kiss and strangle someone at the same time. (And a stranger at that).

"So um its been a while. How've you been?" Ben said nervously. She looked him in the eyes for the first time. And all he saw was agony. Like it was physical torture for her to look at him.

"Oh you know, great. Couldn't be better. Ever since my lung transplant and getting sent to rehab everything has really been looking up for me. Especially since I found out it is going to take every penny of money my parents have to pay for my hospital bill and rehab. And of course the bank visiting me in rehab and telling me I am going to have to sell the house and probably everything in it was really the cherry top to a fantastic couple of months,'' she said sarcastically, tears filling up in her eyes. Ben's eyes widened and he cursed himself mentally.

She shook her head a few times, spraying herself with tears. "And having no job and no money for school and no place to live after this month and no family is just peachy." She continued meanly, not even trying to hide her tears any longer.

Ben just stood there, shocked. What on Earth did he do for her to hate him so much? Donate blood? Save her life? He remembered back to that day in the hospital and shook his head bitterly. Yeah, that was it. He saved her life. That's why she hated him.

A pretty blond girl Hayley tentatively stepped forward and put a hand of Susan's shoulder nervously.

"I think-maybe you should just go home now." She whispered. Susan whirled on her.

"Oh so I can go sit in that big empty house all by myself surrounded by pictures of my family? So I can sit there and wallow alone in my own depression and be reminded of how good and strong and brave they were every time I look at something of theirs? So I can lay there in my bedroom at two o'clock in the morning staring at my sisters empty bed next to me?"

The party of young teenagers stood in awkward silence for who knows how long, no one knowing what to say. Donna finally spoke up.

"You know Su, I could stay with you tonight. If you want. I don't mind if you don't. I'd like to help you." She requested in a small voice. But it was not hard to read her eyes. She didn't want her to be alone because she was afraid she would try to kill herself when she was alone.

Susan took a breath and tried to smile but couldn't make her lips curve upwards. "That's very sweet of you Donna but I haven't been alone for a while. I kinda just want to spend my first night home alone."


End file.
